“It’s not that bad...”

Why does someone stay in an abusive relationship? It is a difficult question because there are many contributing factors. One vital truth is often overlooked: relationships usually do not begin with obvious abuse.

Control may emerge gradually. Affection, apologies, calm periods, financial dependence, concern for children or pets, isolation, and fear can all shape a survivor’s options.

Abuse is often a pattern

Many people describe a repeating movement between tension, an abusive incident, apologies or promises, and a calmer period. Abuse is not always physical. It can include intimidation, emotional abuse, sexual coercion, isolation, financial control, monitoring, threats, minimization, denying, and blaming.

The Power and Control Wheel can help make these connected tactics visible. No single model describes every relationship, but patterns that restrict a person’s safety, freedom, health, or choices deserve attention.

Minimizing can be a way of coping

A survivor may say, “It’s not that bad,” or feel frustrated for not recognizing the situation earlier. Minimizing is not proof of weakness. It can be an attempt to make an overwhelming or unsafe situation feel more manageable.

Leaving is not a simple event. Housing, money, transportation, immigration concerns, disability, community ties, children, pets, technology monitoring, and the risk of escalating violence can create serious barriers.

Ask a better question

Instead of asking, “Why didn’t they just leave?” ask, “Why did the person causing harm believe control or violence was acceptable?” Then ask what practical, survivor-centered support would make more choices possible.

Support without judgment

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. For confidential support, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or visit TheHotline.org. School of Women provides education and referrals; it does not operate a crisis hotline or emergency shelter.

• Listen and believe without pressuring
• Ask what would feel helpful and safer
• Avoid confronting the abusive partner
• Offer practical support only when it is safe
• Connect the survivor with a trained advocate